Near Death Experience

I've always heard of near death experiences. You know the ones where people say they are in a dark tunnel and are moving towards the light at the end. Or they see their life flash before their eyes just before they think they'll die from a car accident or something (but then don't). I can now join this group. Maybe not in quite the same way, but I definately had a near death experience. I went to a Group Power session.

For those who don't know what Group Power is it's simple. It is a session where a bunch of people get together who want to be tortured. Sure they could all go out and torture themselves on an individual basis, but for some reason these group torture sessions are extremely popular, and amazingly enough, the majority of the people who want to be tortured in a group are women!

I woke up extremely early in the morning (5:30am) which I think is part of the torture process. I slipped on some clothes and drove down to the torture building called Mawson Health and Fitness. I ran inside and put on the regular torture attire of shorts and a t-shirt. It was just before 6:00am when I walked into the torture chamber. There were already lots of other people there and not much room left. With this being my first torture session I decided to find some place near the back where people couldn't hear me scream.

Most people already had their weight bar, weights and step bench in place (these are the torture devices they use in this session). I wasn't sure what to do exactly but I saw a few spots where the weight bar and weights were already laid out. I quickly walked over to one of them and started to take off some of the weights as it was way too much for my first time. As I was adjusting the weights I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked up to see an old man with huge biceps and a scowl on his face. He informed me that I was in his spot and those were his weights. I didn't want to get beat up by him on my first day so I backed off to go find another spot. I made my way to a spot in the middle of the crowd and started to adjust those weights. A few seconds later I was pushed on my shoulder and knocked to the ground. I looked up to see the face of a women glaring at me. I guess those were her weights. I stood up and looked around. I finally figured out that each person has to get their own weights and weight bar, etc. I knew I should have taken the Torture 101 class.

I quickly grabbed my torture gear and set up my stuff in the only place left...the front row directly in front of the head torturer! As she began the session I was still setting up my gear when she asked if there were any first timers. I raised my hand and she gave me this wicked smile. "Welcome," she said, "what's your name?" "Sheldon," I replied. "Well, Sheldon, prepare to hurt a little!" As the music started I was already sweating...not from the torture but from fear!

The first 15 minutes were excruciating. She had us doing squats, lunges, dead lifts (millions of them!) and above the head military style bench pressing. At the first break I realized that I had forgotten my water bottle. As I dropped my weight bar to the floor I started to make my way to the water fountain outside. I put one foot forward and when I lifted my next one the first one gave out. I crashed to the floor and almost took out one of the other women standing there. My legs were like jello already and I couldn't walk. I crawled out the door and made my to the fountain. The cold, wonderful yet tasteless water gave me some more energy and I pulled myself back up to my feet. Using the walls for support I made my way back into the torture chamber. I could hear the snickers as I stumbled by but I didn't care...I was being tortured and I didn't care what I looked like!

I made my way back to my spot and casually asked the lady behind me how long this session was. One hour she told me. It was at that precise moment that I felt my heart stop and fear took over my entire body. I had barely survived the first 15 minutes and could no longer walk. I could not imagine how I was going to last another 45 minutes. I looked up at the head torturer for some sympathy, but all I saw were glowing red eyes and a menacing smile as she said "Here we go!"

The next 45 minutes are a blur. My body was so tired that it no longer mattered how much they tortured me. We did more squats, dead lifts, bench press, over the head lifts, tricep curls, bicep curls, pushups, sit ups, abdominal exercises and then each one about 10 times again! The only thing I can vaguely remember is the head torturer yelling "Come on Sheldon! Don't let these women show you up! Push yourself!" With about 10 minutes left I literally felt that I was going to throw up. I kept glancing around wondering where I would throw up and if I would be the first person to actually throw up during a torture session. I tried not to think about it but it was all I could do to keep going and not hurl.

The final thing we did were some abdominal exercises on the mats. We were all lying on our backs and were suppose to do them, but just lying there on my back felt like heaven. I laid there for a few seconds before I felt a hard slap on my stomach. The wind was knocked out of me and the head torturer was standing over top. "Don't just lie there Sheldon, suck in your stomach to tighten those abs!" Once again I could hear the snickers around me.

When the final music stopped it was announced that the torture session was over. I put away my torture devices so others could be tortured later that day. I stumbled into the locker room and I somehow managed to change and make my way outside. As I glanced back towards the torture chamber and thought through the horrific experience I had just been through I amazingly said to myself "I can't wait to try GroupRide!"